Rummaging through my old word-documents and found this gem that I wrote a while ago. Not sure what I was thinking...
- When you first meet someone, repeatedly refer to them by a catchy nick-name that you thought up yourself despite their insistence that you use their real name.
- Walk up to a Mother who is having a difficult time with her child and explain to the Mother the “Correct way to parent the child” in a smug manner. Forget the fact that you’ve never had children yourself. You’ve had years of experience babysitting.
- If you suspect someone is feeling down or is in pain, start talking to them in a babyish voice “pretending to sympathize” and say “Oh, I’m soooo sawwie!” Make your sarcasm very apparent.
- Have an extensive monologue with someone that you meet—don’t allow the person to speak for a moment. At the end, tell the person “It was great getting to know you!” Sound very enthusiastic.
- Tell someone that you speak five languages fluently and then proceed to list off the 6 or 7 words that you *actually* know from the five different languages.
- When you cannot challenge a person’s argument with logic or evidence, attack them as a person or threaten to delete their comment. If this doesn't get them to stop presenting their evidence, suggest to the person that “They might want to reconsider what you say or else they’ll burn in hell for all eternity.”.
- While in a discussion that is getting polarized, tell the other person that they are not an authority on said subject and then proceed to present your opinions in detail about the subject at hand, despite the fact that you, too, have no authority on said subject (i.e you don't have a doctorate either). You’re lengthy opinionating obviously trumps their lengthy opinionating.
- Talk about someone’s mistake over and over again to someone else while forgetting the 17 mistakes you made earlier today.
- After someone makes a mistake, make the comment “Everyone makes mistakes” in that annoying voice. Say it like you think the other person hasn't heard it before.