I am an outside observer
to the friendships of others. I notice that many of these connections are
intricately woven, laced with rich memories, and they offer the person an
escape from the doldrums of life, from the despondency of the sole-self.
Friendships might have been formed with co-workers from prior years, classmates
from high-school days, quirky neighbors who gave you ice-cream cones, or with
roommates from your college days. Perhaps, you have a family. In this case, you
are immersed in the interactions and concerns of your children and partner and
your social needs are met within this family dynamic.
As life goes by, I am noticing that it becomes increasingly
difficult to form new, in-person female
friendships. It seems like females already tend to be more social, and as they
approach their mid 30’s and beyond, they have already amassed a variety of
friendships from their high-school and college years. They have enough
friendships to satisfy their friendship needs (and time constraints) so it
becomes difficult and unnecessary to add new friends to their current mix.
Another difficulty with forming friendships is that many people
are very discriminating about who they allow into their friend-circumference.
Ever notice how humans only tolerate certain kinds of people? Shockingly,
people tend to allow friendships to form with individuals from the same race,
religious (or non-religious) affiliation, educational background and
socioeconomic status. In other words,
humans tend to feel more comfortable around individuals with whom they share
commonalities. Is this inherently selfish or simply pragmatic?
Personality seems to be a factor in the formation of
friendships. My guess is that people who have more common personality types
have an easier time attracting friends. Why?
First of all, if you have a common personality type there is a greater
chance you will find another person with your personality type. The number of
potential candidates is in your favor. Someone who shares your personality will
also have more in common with you…they will naturally be able to relate to you,
respond and think in a more similar manner than someone with a very different
personality type. People simply get more out of relationships when they feel
like they can connect with the other person.
For instance, if you like to ponder intellectual ideas and
you’re comfortable with high-spirited, argumentative discussion, but the person
you’re befriending feels most comfortable talking about concrete subject
matter—like what they did yesterday or about a brand of shoes they like—well,
the chances of you striking up a lasting friendship are low. Unless one of the
two people in this potential union decides to compromise to the other person’s
petty concerns, a friendship will be difficult.
Most of us desire friendships but we also want to maintain
our authenticity. That is, we don’t want to have to trade aspects of our personality
and preferences just to win the affection of a new, potential confidant. In the
end, a relationship built on this kind of self-duplicity will not last; our
true personality and beliefs will soon emerge and destroy whatever burgeoning
union we thought we had.
Yet, it still seems for almost any friendship to form, some
degree of compromise has to happen. I have two female friends. One of them I
consider to be a very good friend despite the fact that we have very different
world-views. She has views about the world—about religion, medicine and health
etc—that are diametrically opposed to my own. I have learned to tolerate her
constant bible quoting, her unyielding appeals to naturopathic medicine and her
short-sighted quips against the use of vaccines. Yet, whenever she dives into a subject that I
clearly disagree with her on, she always makes an effort to acknowledge the
fact that I disagree with her. She never
trudges on with the conversation, taking it for granted that I agree with her. This means that she asks what I think about
her particular view and then she goes on to offer whatever possible support she
has for her particular claim. I’ve also seen her willing to consider views that
are different from her original views. This makes me realize that she is a good
friend to have—despite the fact that our views are so different.
Due to the busyness of life and the fact that many people
already have a surplus of friends to take up their time, the marketplace for
establishing long-term, in-person friendships is dwindling. This means that if
you do want some sort of connection with society, you will be the one who has
to compromise. You might even have to go out of your way and seek friendships
from such places at Walmart check-out lines. I met a very friendly woman there
yesterday. She may have little in common with me, but she does seem to be in
need of a friend, just as much as I do.
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