Saturday, June 3, 2017

Satire: Creative Ways to Increase Global Warming

Creative and Fun ways to increase your Carbon Footprint BY Me:

There are lots of people in the world who clearly care about the environment based on how they vote and who they would like to tax on the planet. But what if you aren’t one of those people? What if you actually hate the globe and don’t care about the climate?
 Voting is one thing…but what about actually taking action…doing something about your "proposed cause"? Anyone can pat themselves on the back and say they voted “pro environment” or “anti environment”—but what actions are you taking in your day-to-day life to prove that you actually care, one way or another?   
As climate scientists make us think, it’s the little things that add up. “It’s just a fraction of a degree that is needed to increase global temperatures and change the delicate balance in nature”—so what small things are you doing, on a daily basis, to help increase global warming? After all, you hate the environment right?

Tips To Increase Your Carbon Footprint

1.    Eat mostly packaged/boxed and processed food items instead of fruits and vegetables with biodegradable peelings. You want to have a lot of non-biodegradable plastic trash to be throwing out in your garbage can or recycle bin.

2.   Never walk anywhere or use public transportation, insist on driving or getting a cab, even if only 6 blocks down the road.

3.  While drinking a Big Gulp, drive around your local Walmart looking for the parking space that is close to the entrance. Don’t give up. If you have to circle the lot a few dozen times or idle your car for 10 minutes as you wait for someone to leave, give yourself a pat on the back. You don’t want to be one of those people who finds the first parking space in the back of the lot and immediately turns off your car engine. You’ll be forced to walk a few extra feet

4.    Refuse to carpool

5.  Go to a fast-food restaurant at least once a week—smile to yourself as you throw all of the plastic trash and wrappings into the rubbish bin. Give yourself bonus points if your meal had meat in it.

6.  Order delivery at least once a month. Smile as you consider how much gas is being used to ferry your little plastic take-out-bag and Styrofoam container from the restaurant to your house and then back again. Throw away half of the food you ordered because “You were full” and too lazy to put it back in the fridge.

7.  Never eat left-overs from your fridge or anything that you have “on hand, in your house”. Why do this when you can simply order something and have someone else use a bunch of gas and plastic/garbage package to get it to you?

8.   Don’t grow any plants or vegetables. Don’t eat plants. Eat lots of meat because animals create more carbon emissions that plants do.

9.   When grocery shopping do not bring your own bags. Use plastic bags from the store which you will throw away and “recycle” when done.

10.  Constantly buy new things: new clothing, new devices, new toys for the kids: avoid shopping at any “used clothing store” or “thrift store”. You only want things that have been newly created in China or other far-off regions and then recently shipped to America.

11.   Set your air conditioning down to 58 degrees F.

12. Go through fast food drive-thrus weekly.  These offer an added bang for your buck. You’ll be emitting lots of carbon from burning your gasoline while you wait for your food to be given to you in lots of throw-away packaging.  Smile to yourself as you see how many people are waiting in the long fast-food drive through lane, doing the same thing as you are. Together you’re making a difference!!

13. Don’t have "pride of ownership" in your house or property and don't take care of your possessions. The sooner you trash them and/or break them, the sooner you can buy new ones. Reassure yourself that “they were cheap anyways, so why bother taking care of them?” Tell yourself, "I'm just a renter so why should I take care of someone else's property?" The more things and places you trash, the more time you can spend driving around looking for new things and places and consuming more things.

14.   Keep your house so messy that you always lose your things and have to “buy new ones”. Remember, that’s more trips to and from the store in your car!


Tuesday, January 10, 2017