THE FOLLOWING IS A PRODUCT ADVERTISEMENT marketing a special cream for the HOT GIRLS OF THE WORLD
Tired of being hit on by every single male who intersects your proximity? Are you one of those young women who constantly complain about being called “TOO HOT”? Do you detest having to interact with “losers who annoy you and waste your time”? Do you take it for granted that you are in your 20’s and at the prime of your existence in terms of health and beauty? Do you hate it when people say “You look way younger than you are”? Do you always announce to your friends, “I still get carded when I buy alcohol”?
Have no fear! We've listened to your cries and wails and you finally have our attention. We want to help you out. Because of your constant whining, we have developed a line of skincare products for young women such as yourself. Our line of skincare products is sure to decrease your chances of being hit on and “all the annoying attention you receive”. You got that right.
Instead of your traditional anti-aging cream that helps reduce the appearance of wrinkles, we have created an exquisite formula that accelerates aging. Our unique blend is called “Pro-Aging Cream”. All you have to do is buy our product and slather it all over your nice, youthful skin. In one week we GUARANTEE permanently aged skin—or your money back!!!
Our pro-aging cream is composed of a rapidly aging skin plaster. This facial plaster is made of the finest pro-aging ingredients that include a mixture of carcinogens from cigarette smoke and ashes, charred meat and UVA radiation concentrate to help irreversibly destroy collagen and elastin fibers. Next, we dump these Active Ingredients (as we like to call them) into the most unrefined lipid we could find. For this we use a petroleum based mineral oil emulsion that is sure to cause added congestion and pore distention—something sure to please you immensely. Once our cream is applied to your epidermis it instantly creates the appearance of crow’s feet and wrinkles all over the surface of your formerly youthful skin. Marionette lines appear with a vengeance while your nasolabial folds increase in depth. In addition to this, we guarantee nodular and cystic acne to help with the “please ignore me” look you have been going for.
As the youthful glow from your skin disappears with our products, you’ll notice that the boys do too. What does this mean for you? Thankfully this means you’ll be ignored by society a lot more. You won’t be carded when you purchase alcohol for your nightly binge. No more modeling scouts harassing you for your contact information or offering you modeling gigs (that are probably low paying anyways). The time you save from being contacted by irritating modeling and acting agents can finally be used to study for that much-coveted liberal arts degree that we all know results in a high-paying career. No more annoying distractions or time-wasting rendezvous with “boys who you don’t really like but simply enjoy leading on”—even those duffers will be long-gone. Studying at college becomes a breeze because people will stop asking you out and even ask you to stop texting them! Your phone will be a silent cadaver. Voila! Your problem is solved and hopefully your whining will be too.
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