Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A Christmas satire advertisement I wrote a few years back...

Christmas Package Picker
By Renee

 Those of us at Christmas Package picker understand the difficult experience of picking out acceptable presents for loved ones during the holiday season. Needless to say, most of us experience anxiety and panic attacks just thinking about furnishing that thoughtful, just-right gift for that special someone.  Nobody wants to contribute to friendship destruction, divorce or sudden death. Considering the extreme importance of material possessions this season and the bearing your special gift may have on your long-term future with your spouse or friend, Package Picker offers an easy way to avoid interpersonal family or friendship conflict.

Because bad gifts are usually the start to bad years, Package Picker makes extensive efforts to get the results you’re looking for by providing you with outstanding gift-giving options, most of them unsurpassed in originality.  We also have many thoughtful insights to offer you in all your gift hunting challenges.

Our reliable search engine will offer pointers on good gift giving vs. bad and also make creative, practical and highly laudable suggestions “Have you thought about getting her the plastic monkey that screams “I love you” when squeezed?  What about getting him that puzzle of a Christmas wreath? Everyone loves a mass-produced knitted Christmas sweater with snowflakes, Frosty and/or angels, so we offer one that has all three!  You could never go wrong here.

Instead of going for that cute purse, jeans in the brand she’s always wanted, modern musical electronic gizmos or a useful kitchen gadget, most women are fond of highly caloric, edible treats--especially during this holiday season where such edible goodies are often scarce.

Don’t forget about those fun, dangly Christmas tree earrings that can be worn for several weeks each year.  What about a pair of red socks with bells and little encrusted--albeit painful to walk on--sparkly sequins woven throughout the fabric?  Practicality and comfort is something we strive for here at Christmas Package Picker.

What about a deliciously aged, non-alcoholic fruit cake, studded with scores of nuts and fruits that are sure to get caught in your recipients teeth? When presenting this gift to a friend or loved one, make certain that they know the time and effort you spent making it and letting it age.  Ask them to brew some Folger’s coffee so the two of you can enjoy your fruitcake creation immediately.

Fake flower arrangements are a must during the holiday season.  Red and white silk carnations go well with plastic holiday ivy all made into one lovely bouquet. For a fun and exciting change, consider ordering a mauve or neon pink bouquet of silk carnations for that special someone.  These can be used all year and usually won’t wither.

Homemade gifts such as cards with cutouts and heapings of glitter, bath accessories or Christmas jellies that utilize your precious and limited “thoughtfulness” or “goodwill” are not your friends this season. Instead, Christmas Package picker presents a concoction of more original, heart-warming ideas. Consider getting your friend one of our enormous selections of impersonal gift cards to their favorite department store, such as Walmart or from any fast food restaurant that they haven’t complained about recently.

Christmas Package Picker also offers a wide selection of hip hop holiday tunes for that holiday bash you’ve been planning for decades.  We’ve made certain to include all your favorite Christmas classics and reformat them into more inviting, fashionable tunes, such as a nice medley of rap and country for your listening pleasure.  Only the coldest of hearts can resist a blend of Christmas country and rap.

Presenting 6 or 7 dozen Thomas Kinkade Christmas cottage paintings is sure to delight any scrupulous connoisseur of art.  Make it clear to your recipient that you’d like to see the paintings up year round.  Explain how the lovely pastel colors work well for the seasons of spring and summer too.

Did you receive a hideous gift last year and want to exchange it for a few quarters or put it towards a gift picked out randomly by Christmas Package Picker? Contact us!  We have a recycling program that is unparalleled in its efficiency and success.

If you like my "satire"...here is another WEIGHT LOSS SATIRE ADVERTISEMENT I wrote. Follow the link here:  http://asliceofmind-suva.blogspot.com/2010/12/weight-loss-advertisement-satire.html


  1. What?!?!?!? No Tran-Siberian Orchestra?

  2. Hi Renee, Sorry to freak out your old man. It probably won't happen again unless I have another one of my funny turns! By the way, Big Brother 'Overwatch' are running ads on your site, who I and our 'X-Man' Jesse Ventura had exposed in my Huff House article and in Jesse's Ozarks prog as swarms of your pagan male droolers keep coming on my site to find out about you in my Renee Nafziger article and the Illuminati have now linked you and me, but they can't run ads on my site so they put them on yours instead. P.S. Have a beautiful Christmas. AGP, 18th Dec 2012.