How to Convert Anyone to Christianity, (Satire)

“Witnessing On An Airplane”
A Free testimony manual for creative evangelizing techniques

By Renee (Satire)
December 21, 2010

Handing out tracts or witnessing to lost souls can be a daunting challenge for any true disciple of Christ. Getting people to give you two or three hours of their day to preach at them and announce their imminent fall into a fiery, eternal abyss (unless they accept word for word everything you say) may not bring them glorious sensations of joy.

And that is why we have devised an entire course entitled “Evangelizing On An Airplane” suitable for any Christian novice.  In ordinary circumstances your convertee will not tolerate your threats of impending hellfire and will simply walk away or impudently tear up the tract you’ve handed them.  On a airplane however, options to escape or avoid an altercation are considerably limited.

Choosing a long flight from Seattle, Washington to, say, Madagascar, will give you enough time to belabor your fundamentalist ideology into your targets brain.   While your airplane neighbor may be mentally reveling in a lusciously tropical vacation in Madagascar, an offshore ferry ride to Mauritius, petting wild lemurs in rainforests or lackadaisically sprawling on beaches, it only seems fair to make him “work for it first” so to speak. You can do this by strong-arming  your fellow passenger to listen to long, drawn out scriptural oratory, recited by yours truly, of course.  Only then can your airplane aficionado enjoy their vacation more fully once they arrive.

Why does this method work so effectively? To begin, the individual you are attempting to convert has very few places he can go.  He may not like it, but for safety reasons which we won‘t elaborate on here, he is forced to remain in the plane throughout the duration of the flight.  Since the cabin of the plane is limited in space, there are only so many places he can hide.  Remaining locked in a lavatory throughout the flight will not be tolerated by flight attendant staff or by other passengers.  Your fellow flight neighbor will be forced to remain in his seat for the majority of the flight.

You may want to start your session by covertly placing a large, black, KJV Bible on the tray table in front of you with several sheets of clean paper, pencils, and a thick stack of printouts entitled “How to convert someone on an airplane”.   You obviously don’t want to scare your fellow passengers so doing this in the most discreet manner possible is preferred.  The hellfire video depicting graphic scenes of sinners burning alive should be saved towards the latter half of the flight, or, you may find it convenient to switch on when the plane is passing through heavy turbulence.

To begin, you will want to greet your fellow flying mate with a friendly handshake and a warm, foreboding smile.  Offering little hints such as these are sure to put your fellow plane passenger at ease and give you an aura of credibility and sincerity.  He or she will automatically think “This person can be trusted” etc. If your neighbor appears a bit resistant or seems to smile through clinched teeth, he may need a bit of warming up before any intense bursts of preaching should commence.  You may want to break the ice by asking a few, small, but harmless questions or telling them a little about yourself “My name is John and I attend (insert your church denomination here). Getting info on their blood type or whether they are an organ donor isn’t necessary at this stage.  Save your “What do you think would be the worst way to die?” questions for at least 5 or 10 minutes into the conversation.

Before exchanging a plethora of stupid niceties, it may be wise to ask your friend which church they belong to.  This one question alone can guide the course of your conversation for the rest of the flight.  If your neighbor says “I don’t go to church.” You can rest assured and begin your mantra into the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ--(or else).

 If, at any time you find your neighbor pivoting from your original  topic of discussion to other trivial, insignificant banalities such as his family, children or the prevailing illness he is dying from, you will need to reread our tactical guide on “Getting back on topic”.   You don’t want to find yourself in a discussion learning about his views on things or who he is as a person.  Remember, the whole point of this discussion is you discussing your views and creating a slightly awkward, mildly pressured environment for him to listen to you and what you have to say about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

If your neighbor explains that he is already part of a church that happens to not be denomination of your choosing, you can sometimes gently let it slide, agreeing to disagree.  However there is some virtue in finding a couple topics that the two of you vehemently disagree on such as areas of scripture that your neighbor has interpreted incorrectly or intentionally to fit his sinful lusts.  At that point you can start a healthy, much needed dialogue to even out creases in your neighbors basic hell-bound misunderstandings.

A good thing to ask your flying mate is “Do you think you are a good person?” He may initially flinch, wondering why such a question is being asked.  He may be under the delusion that he is generally a good person. There is extreme utility in this important question. It is a very sneaky way to get your friend to admit that he isn’t perfect, and then, in his weakest moment of desperation, loudly and fanatically call him on it, preferably in front of nearby flight passengers.  You can ask him if he has ever lied or looked upon a woman with lust.  You can ask him if he has ever said a curse word.

The goal is to find where your friend is a failure and then point at him and laugh uncontrollably. Using childlike mannerisms and tone, you may want to explain that his character defects are blatantly offensive to both yourself and to God.  Making people feel bad about their sinful lifestyle is a good way to segue into “their need” and then offer a solution to the need you’ve created--that only you (or the people you know) can offer.  This is, perhaps, as simple as marketing 101.  When people realize that you’re trying to market an idea to them and not simply trying to be a friend, they tend to respect you even more.  You are obviously coming from a sincere starting place, free of bias or passion with the goal of trying to bring about truth.  No coercion is ever necessary.

After you have done this, bringing out the video “Hell-fire testimonials”--from people who have been to hell and back--we’ll often seal the deal.
Notice the rise in anxiety, blood flow and perspiration that accompanies your friends face as the fidgeting begins. “Finessing your sales pitch with a little Fear” as we like to call it, is an excellent way to bring them towards your ideology.

As your flight approaches its end, you will want to finish your session with prayer, communion and baptism.  Ask your local flight attendant for several pitchers of water and some croutons.  When the flight attendant gives you a disapproving look, loudly remind them that religious intolerance will not be tolerated on a cross-continental flight.  You are an American citizen with certain unalienable religious rights and the ceremony you are about to perform will go on, despite flight staff disapproval.

Hosting communion followed by baptism on an airplane is always a very creative experience for everyone present. First of all, it shows your sincerity about your religious stance and makes it publicly known to others that you are willing to take whatever risk is necessary for your faith--donning a very reassuring feeling to the other flight passengers.  As we all can attest, few people can resist the well-meaning intentions of a religious zealot aboard an airplane.

Dumping two or three pitchers of chilled water over your flying mates head will suffice for a baptismal experience.  Later, after he has dried to completion, and shook his wet hair off like a wet dog, begin communion. Offer him a crouton and announce “I break this bread as a covenant unto you” continue with the communion oratory.  Finally, you can end your session with a long, dull prayer. Ask everyone on the airplane--including pilots and flight attendant staff--to bow their heads, close their eyes and join you in prayer.