SATIRE "When I was a RAVING CHRISTIAN

A piece of "satire" I wrote about "liberals" in 2008. My views have obviously changed to some extent.

Fundamentalist Christians are quick to bemoan the “moral demise” of society that has occurred through a culture that is increasingly “anti-Biblical” and “anti-God”. Christian’s ignorantly attribute this to the imminence of “The End Times” and to the rise of Satan and his invisible evil forces, instead of rationally attributing these societal changes to the natural progression of social evolution. They note that this “lack of morality” is overwhelmingly present in the minds’ of today’s youth. etc.  Pish Posh I will say again!  Just watch MTV and BET videos, just look at advertisements, just take a quick look at the news and compare it to past history and one will quickly see the incredibly remarkable evolutionary transition we have made!  Studies indicate that children are becoming increasingly more materialistic—desirous of possessions—than ever before.  

Oh, we can certainly pin point the rise in the Television and advertising industries for that—but never the less—both of these—children’s desire for “more possessions” and the television/marketing industry’s desire for “more sales”, clearly indicates that money is becoming more and more of an important component to life, to the human psyche, and to the world at large. Greed, individual selfishness, and an un-quenching desire for more (although against the teachings of Christianity) whether it is material, sexual, or both, is definitely a hallmark of improvement to the moral culture we currently experience today and an incontrovertible proof of how social evolution works.  This evolutionary progression has resulted in Children developing the keen and strategic mechanism of analyzing people for what they look like, how intelligent they are, how much money they have, and, in turn, how they can use them in order to compete with them and then dispose of them (if necessary) for their own advancement.  Nothing could ever be so efficient, convenient, and beneficial!  Basically, evolution is a game about whoever is the best—who has the most desirable attributes—wins.

 Look at television and movies for example—you will be pleased to note that the natural, specific process of evolution has pushed the best and the brightest to the front of our screens.  These are people who clearly have talent and natural physical symmetry—never mind the fact that there are thousands of cosmetic surgery clinics in Hollywood (more per square mile than in any other locale in the world)—it is only a conspiracy—a bizarre coincidence, if you may, that these facilities are in surprisingly close proximity to the residence of most beautiful celebrities.  Celebrities—the cream of today’s evolutionary elite—are perfect examples of the future direction of our world. 

            So, not only are celebrities physically superior to the rest of us…they are also more advanced—intellectually—than most of the world! It truly beguiles the senses that none of them are practicing scientists, engineers, software designers, or doctors!!  Consider the exceptionally brilliant, original talent of such pop stars/singers as Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguilera and other celebrated gangsta rappers!  These scintillating minds possess the mental acuity to maintain the incredible fluency of the limbic system in their brain—all the while penetrating those of their audience!  They sing about the most enlightening of subjects—cars, bitches, themselves, cars, bitches—all while doing the literally insurmountable task of feeling up their own body, saline implants in all.  Clearly, these individuals possess a talent unlike any we have ever seen!

                             Now recognizing our humble position in life, the rest of us bow our head and minds to these extraordinary demigods, realizing the fate that our sub-par genes have donned us. One day we botched mortals will finally be expunged by the natural process of evolution so that a more ethically minded, responsible, naturally beautiful, and unusually intelligent race—progeny of famous celebrities like Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Jessica Simpson—crops up. Unlike smart liberals and all those who support the themes and whims of Hollywood, Christians are idiotic for valuing leading Christian groups and Christian evangelists who lead lives of moral prudery and espouse the bizarre concept of “family values” (Think “Focus on the Family”).  At least Hollywood—a reflection of modern secular society—values divorce, underestimates cheating, elicits dissatisfaction, worships young people and devaluates anyone beyond 40 years old, and, most importantly, encourages plastic surgery and other body and facial enhancement—beginning in the mid-twenties.

            Additionally, the process of natural evolution, unlike Christianity and its encouragement of a modest and ascetic life style, has given women a greater sense of power and advancement in the world.  Women are more desirous than ever to look a certain way as well as acquire a sophisticated career to compete with other women to get the man that they want.  Women must do everything now—career, looks, household labor and children—to win the approval of a man.  This is definitely an improvement from past centuries where men dominated the world and worked to win over women with chivalry.  

Another thing that our improving culture has inspired is the virtues of sloth and obesity. Christian kids are given way too many rules, often lead sheltered lives, and are forced to be home-schooled. At least children raised by secular, enlightened parents are learning to be at peace with themselves, enjoying the relaxing, sedative comfort of their living room sofa and are allowed to watch as much television as they want.  Many of these children are even given the evolutionary advantage of having a television set in their own room so that they can sit and stare at this flashing box of entertainment into the wee hours of the morning. One can only see how this form of liberal parenting helps a child throughout their school day.  After all, television for both adults and children is so very informative and intellectually enriching these days! Liberal parents, such as these, realize the significance and future consequences of “…not being too harsh with little Johnny or too sheltering…”.  God forbid, this might promote a different world-view…a form of tyrannical (Christian) indoctrination that leads children to be narrow minded— often too narrow minded to consider the fun of acting out video game depictions of brutality, viewing and creating pornography, or showing off their plastic surgery on You tube .  It is only Christian retards who think that certain things—like violent video games, violent television/movies and pornography, have influence on people. Children are NOT influenced by things in the media—by T.V. or video games or movies etc..—they are smart enough to make their own healthy, beneficial choices on their own!  After all, its not like there is a huge, successful advertising industry out there that spends billions of dollars advertising things to kids—such as unhealthy snacks or treats—and actually reaps the financial benefit of doing so—everyone knows how business works.  It is quite clear that advertising DOES NOT WORK!  Every day, children all over America are seen refusing “Junk foods” promoted by the advertising industry while reportedly binging on celery sticks, broccoli florets and fresh, clear water.  You see, evolution has given children more control over their lives by giving them the proper stimuli for healthy decision making.  Liberal parents were smart enough to have recognized this all along. 

            The school system has been dramatically affected by this kind of liberal parenting—‘kids parenting themselves’ so to speak.  It is not too much television or junk food, or inane cartoons without a quark of intellectual content that has pushed children off the edge and given them an apathetic mindset to everything—it is the teachers of these school systems and the school systems themselves that are carving out a wretched future for them.  Sure, children may be coming to school sleepy, lethargic and unable to concentrate on new academic material, but it is certainly not Television, video games, junk food, and especially not poor parenting (or lack thereof) that is causing this noticeable demise.  It is all their teachers’ fault. After all, teachers and academic advisers make obscene amounts of money and should have the adequate means to cater to the needs of all of these struggling school children.